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This section houses some rather long ones. But each is a gem and will build up a cresendo of roars.
| Dangers of Cyber Sex | The Jack Schitt Story | Scientific dude! |
| The Letter | The EEL | What a Day!! |
| 34 Ways to Annoy People |
The following is a true story . . .
An anonymous girl lets call her jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado,
like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life
has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of
work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her but
off desining computer programs and installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday
night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. she was sad alone and
depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. she was playing on the net when she
decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a
sex line. So jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it. Over the line,
she met a guy who identified himself as jeremy, she
started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was "katie" and
started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue.
He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square
inch of her body. soon they were having cybersex. this went on for awhile, and then she
got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with jeremy again, they become even
closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. at the end of the week, they
started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. they
became close, exchanging their lives, jen didnt' tell jeremy she was in college, because
she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. she felt guilty, but after a few
weeks, she really liked this guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and
months turned into a year. bye the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate
thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. they were afraid of ruining the
mystery.
They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well,
waiting for the day that they could some day be together. they finally decided they had
had enough. they wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. they
didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other. jeremy told jen he thought she
could be his next wife. jen was weary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was
or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with.
so...they planned a trip to meet in vale, colorado. they were going to spend the weekend
together and finally meet. jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said,
why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room that way there will be no
mistake. jeremy agreed.
Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold
the key for the next party, so she went into the room. she wanted things to be special so
she lit some candles, put on some music. she stripped naked and climbed into the bed under
the covers, deciding to surprise jeremy when he got there. the time soon came the
lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone
walk in and around the corner, and she whispered,
"jeremy",
jeremy said, "katie?" (this was the false name she had given him.)
"yes", she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see jen on the
bed naked before him.
Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. jen covered herself
up, and with her most humiliating voice said, "dad?" and jeremy said,
"JEN!!!"
Think of what you would do in this situation..Now realize this really did happen.
Their lives will never be the same.
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt
eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children. Holy Schitt,
their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons: Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt.
Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt. In the mean time, Deep Schitt
married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and
they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens
Brothers... The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace
Schitt. Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they're awaiting the
arrival of Baby Schitt.
So now not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!
There's a guy in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard
and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific
names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and
does this in his spare time!
Here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. :
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven,
next to the clothesline post ... Hominid skull." We have given this
specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree
with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the
presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu
Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar
with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which
might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized
bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below
the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common
domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate
roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted
in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. the specimen
looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on, and B. clams don't have
teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the
specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in
its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best
of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is
likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously
for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the
museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet
another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his
own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in
your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly
anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
RECENT LETTER FOUND IN A PERSONAL PROBLEMS ADVICE COLUMN
From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand. I am a sailor in the New Zealand
Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who
lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Englishman. My father and Mother have
recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently
serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder
of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre
on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel,
however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of
opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as
the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our
team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it
would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the
family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law who works at MICROSOFT?
Little Jhonny was a 12 year old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been
hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys, and he wondered what
it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather
flustered . INstead of explaning things to him told him to hide behind the curtains at
night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. so the next day he told his mommy what
he saw.....
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off the lights,
and they started kissining and hugging.I figured she must be getting sick cuzher face
started to look funny. He must of thought so to cuz he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, like a doctor. but he's not as
smart cuz he had trouble finding her heart . I think he got sick to cuz both of them
started panting and getting outta breath. his other ahnd must of been cold cuz he put in
her skirt. about this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and
slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. i knew that she
had a fever cuz she told him she
was really hot. finally, i found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow . it just jumpe dout of his pants and stood ther about 10 inches
long, honest, anywaywhen sis saw it she got scared her eyes got big, called to god and her
mouth fell open. She said it was the biggest she'd ever seen: i should tell her aboout the
ones at the lake, Anywasy sis got brave and tried to kill itby bitting off its head. all
of a suddenshe grabbed it w/ both hands an dheld it tight while he took out a muzzle out
of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep from bitting again. sis lay back
and spread her legs so she could get s sisor - lock on it and he helped by laying on top
of the eel. the eel put up a hell of a fight. sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upsat the couch. i guess they wante dto kill the eel by squishing the eel
between them. After a while they both quite moving and gave a sigh. her boyfriend got up
and sure enough, they killed the eel. i knew it cuz it just hung there limp, and some of
the insides hung out. they were a little tired from the fight, but went back to courting
anywasy. they stared to hug and kiss again. By golly the eel wasn't dead!it jumped stright
out and stared to fight again. i guess eels are like cats, 9 lives. this time sis, jumped
on it and tried to kill it by sitting on it, after after a 35 min struggle they finally
killed the eel. i know he was dead cuz sis's boyfriend peel off his skin off and flush it
down the toilet
What A day!!!! - This is to be remembered when you think that you had a bad day today!
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying
on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door
shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After
the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife
uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that
gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the
hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into
the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a
loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the
bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had
been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his
legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the
phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the
wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the
stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied
by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had
burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the
stretcher and dumped the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day....
34 Ways to Annoy People
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they
slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5 Sing along at the Opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them
to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy".
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the
room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to
others that you "like it that way".
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints
by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lower case.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?",
"What?", "Never mind, it's gone now".
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the
bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it
up" and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a
notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
33. Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're
not in the mood.
34. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to
you or ask you not to send things like this.
