LAWYER JOKES

From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a
subscription
towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances.
The barrister at once tendered a pound note.
"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at
it,
bury twenty of them!"


  A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large,
they have to do
a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of
rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist
brains for $15 an
ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The
outraged
lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned
expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an
ounce of brains?"





An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with
him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000
cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I
can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope
in the
coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears
and
confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he
needed
$10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each
other," said the
doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new
machine at
the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of
both of
you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that
coffin, it
held my personal check for the full $30,000."



As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we
didn't want you
to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."




An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by
a
car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was
cross-examined by
the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the
accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that
you were not
injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked
at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun
and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing.
I of
course immediately said "I'm fine!"




Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
     To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.