Driving in India | Sindhi Special | ABCD |
DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India
and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for
survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life
outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly
operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the
results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:
1. Do we drive on the
left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on
the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless
that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
2. Just trust your
instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much
misery and occasional fatality.
3. Most drivers don't
drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get
discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in
reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
4. Don't stop at
pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may
do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly
instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because
some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then,
let us not talk ill of the dead.
5. Blowing your horn is
not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment,
frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a
dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.
6. Keep informative
books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while
awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when
overground traffic meets underground drainage.
7. Night driving on
Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of
Genghis Khan). in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know
who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out
to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into
the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not
have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the
peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral
functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of
India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may
encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is
not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the
left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close
to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this
occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
8. During the daytime,
trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal.
(And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.) Only, you
will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will
project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal
for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical
relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with
blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an
illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go
at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with
success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a
collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle
works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and
creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers
three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful
geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws
until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that
minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of
course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's
laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road
rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like
an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels
at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for
a ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;
they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around
them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers
are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem.
There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity
but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for
overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever
asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-Way Street - These boards are put up by
traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the
literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it
means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like,
in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash and fast driving
in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker";
two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for
that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation
authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and
11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom
of speed" enshrined in our constitution.
Sindhi Special
What do you call :
A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani
We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...
But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels
Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic
Yet Zestful