HOLIST LOKES
Well, as the name says, these are jokes based on religion or on people connected with them. I sincierly hope no one is offended by them. These jokes are amazing most of the time and the puns just stick out waiting to be laughed upon. So
By the name of the father..........Amen Lets get started
Sip, Don't gulp | Blind Man | The son of a bitch |
Peanuts | The Sleep | Alone |
Washington Grouse | Pope In New York. | Two Prostitutes |
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he
asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off
his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for
it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah
God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the
Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while,
the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the
nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a
son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he
notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a
few" he asks. No, not at all, the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of
eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a
few."
"Oh that's all right", the woman says, "Ever since i lost my teeth all i
can do is suck the chocolate off them."
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleepduring
your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able
to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion,
you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his
plan to work.
"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr.
Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once
again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing
hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the
minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And
what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break
it off and shove it up your ass!"
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church
and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the
confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord
will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and
nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at
home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except
for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of
you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around
except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no
response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him."Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the
piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter to"God, USA," they decided to send it to
President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read,
"Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money.However, I noticed that for some reason
you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted 95
percent."
The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his
plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go
faster. The chauffeur turned around and said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast
as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my
license"
And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!" So the Pope got up into the
drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am
sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the
station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the
sign,
stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
to
jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well,
that's a
little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took
their
sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he
had
an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign
which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."