FLYING JOKES

> Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
> >safety lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples
> that
> >have been heard or reported:
> >
> >  "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
> seat
> > backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
> >
> >  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
> ways out
> >of  this airplane..."
> >
> >  "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
> an
> > emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
> >
> >  "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
> > contact  a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
> wing of
> >the airplane."
> >
> >  "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught
> smoking in
> > the  lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
> >
> >  Pilot -"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
> going
> > to  switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you
> wish,
> > but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold
> outside,
> > and if  you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
> >
> >  And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
> We
> > hope  you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we  enjoyed
> taking you
> >for a  ride."
> >
> >  As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
> front
> > of  us, some of the passengers were  beginning to retrieve luggage
> from
> >the overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom,
> "This
> >aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors
> the
> >cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats
> until
> > the  aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
> > strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
> >
> >  Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
> cruising
> > altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching
> to
> >  autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you
> for
> > the  rest of the flight."
> >
> >  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
> National, a
> >lone  voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
> >
> >  "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
> overhead
> >area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
> assisting
> >children or adults acting like children."
> >
> >  "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
> > belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
> the
> > flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
> >
> >  "Last one off the plane must clean it."
> >
> >  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
> have
> >some  of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
> none of
> >them  are on this flight...!
> >
> >  Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
> Lake
> >  City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
> quite
> >a  bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it
> > wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the
> > flight  attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"
> >
> >  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
> hammered his
> >  ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
> required
> >  the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
> give a
> >  smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in
> light of
> > his  bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
> eye,
> > thinking  that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
> had
> > gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She
> said,
> > "Sonny,  mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the
> pilot,
> > "what is  it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
> shot
> > down?"
> >
> >  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> >  particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
> Captain
> > was  really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing,
> the
> > Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen,
> > welcome to  Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat
> belts
> > fastened while  the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
> > gate!"
> >
> >  Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
> "We
> >  ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
> the
> >  terminal."
> >
> >  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
> a
> >  flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take
> care when
> >  opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
> that,
> > sure  as hell everything has shifted."
> >
> >  From a Southwest Airlines employee....  "Welcome aboard Southwest
> Flight
> > XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
> the
> >  buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt,
> and if
> > you  don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
> > public unsupervised.
> >
> >  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
> > descend  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
> it over
> > your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
> mask
> > before  assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small
> > children, decide now which one you love more.
> >
> > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
> but
> >  they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and
> >remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
> Airlines."