FAMILY JOKES
Gay Facts | Mother Mother? | Storky family |
Not in use. | Dear Mom And Dad | Dishes |
Pussy | The Ultimate Computer | Fat head |
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents,
goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting
down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have
something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and
said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your
mouth?" Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess
so." His mother went back to stirring the pot.
Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying,
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed
an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died
recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is thereanything I can do
for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?It would
make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is
crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your
mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the
nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be
back as soon as possible, but
now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all
night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all
night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
Not in Use
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to findher husband in bed
with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her
husband stopped her with these
words:"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a
ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had
forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your
shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave
her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks
were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore."
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,'Is there anything
else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So,here we are!"
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up
to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless
you are sitting down ... OK? Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I
only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get
three headaches a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at
a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because
of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment
with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy
and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We
haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show. Yes, Mom
and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being
grandparents and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily
penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a
different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of
teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than
we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good,
too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native Asian Indian
village. I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ...
There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was
not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and
there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in
History and an "F" in Science,and I wanted you to see these marks in their
proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Myrim
There's this guy who loves Harly Davidsons, and he see's a real cheap one in the paper
and goes to buy it. The guy sells him the bike, and before leaving the ex-owner hands the
guy a jar of vaseline. He says "Here, it wont rust if you smear some of this on when
it rains!"
The guy thanks him and leaves...
Later that night the guy picks up his girlfriend and takes her to her parents house. The
woman says "What ever you do, don't talk during dinner, or you'll have to do the
dishes."
The guy agree's and goes inside the house, smiles, and proceeds to the dining room where
there must be near 5000 dishes.
During dinner, the guy can't stand the silence so he decides to try and get the parents to
talk.
So he kisses his girlfiend, nothing.So he feels her tits, nothing.
So he fucks her on the table right in front of the parents. Still nothing.So he does the
same with her mother.. kisses, feels, and fucks..and still nothing.
Suddenly it starts to rain and the guy thinks to himself, 'Oh shit, the bike!'. So
he reaches into his pocket and gets out the jar of vaseline...
The father looks at him and says "No chance! I'll do the fuckin dishes!!"
A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a licking he had taken from the school
bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in front of him. He kicked the Chicken
and his mother saw him and said, "I saw that! You cannot have any chicken for a
month."
Later on in the barn - still mad- he kicked the pig he walked up to. His mother saw him
again saying, "I saw that, young man. You can not have any pork for two months."
The boy's father was just getting off his tractor when a cat walked by. His father
kicked the cat out of the way.
The boy saw his mother heading in that direction and spoke out, "Ma you want me to
tell him or should I.
THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said,"is
the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to
ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate
Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of
wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and
then a little card
popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever
Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a
tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on hisfeet,immediately
replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise,
perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where ismy
mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And
again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father
is still fishing off Florida.
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.The dad says I'll have a
chocolate, the wife says I'll have a vanilla. Then the dad slaps his son in the back of
the head and says "what do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them says why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat
head?
The husband says, "there are three things in life a man wants:
The 1st thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside)
that's my nice truck.
The 2nd thing in life a man wants is a nice big house(come over here to the window) you
see that nice big house on top of the hill there, that's my big house.
The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy ......and I had that until fat
head came along.
Mommy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the
elephant cage,the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" ask the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother
as she swiftly leads him away.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens
"What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis." "Mommy said
it was nothing."
"Well, your mother's spoiled, Son."