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ANIMAL JOKES
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A man was driving along the
highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid
hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was
hit. The dirver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked this man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave." |
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Little Red Riding Hood is
walking through the woods and out hopped a rabbit, and says, "Little Red Riding Hood,
Little Red Riding Hood, a big bad wolf is going to jump out from behind a tree, rip off
your blouse and fondle your breasts." At this, Little Red Riding Hood just continued walking. At the next turn, a fawn came out from behind a tree and said, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, a big bad wolf is going to jump out from behind a tree, rip off your blouse and fondle your breasts." Little Red Riding just smiled and continued on her walk. After a little while longer, a small bird swooped out of the trees and said, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, a big bad wolf is going to jump out from behind a tree, rip off your blouse and fondle your breasts." Little Red Riding Hood just smiled again and continued on her walk. Then, within 100 yards, the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and said, "I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I am gonna rip your blouse off and fondle your breasts". Little Red Riding Hood just continued to smile, reached into her basket, pulled out a 44 and said, "No, you're gonna eat me, just like the story says." |
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A farmer, upset
with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to town to buy a fresh rooster who could liven
things up a bit with his hens. The man at the supply store told him he wished he
could help, but all he had was this incredible randy rooster. "But that's just
what I need!" the farmer said. The store owner said, "Not this rooster, he's trouble. I've never seen anything so horny." But the farmer insisted and eventually took the rooster home on the condition that he wouldn't ever return it. Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed every hen repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead. Undaunted, the rooster hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with the hens and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and proceeding to nail all the geese. This continued for three days until all the farm birds that were left alive lay gasping. The farmer found the rooster prostrate in the middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead. "Serves you right." said the farmer, at which point the rooster rose, pointed overhead, winked, and said, "Shhhhhhhhh." |
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There was a fly buzzing around
a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that
it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate
and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had
eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit. |
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Hunting Bear A man was going hunting when he came across a huge brown bear. He aimed his rifle and as he looked through his scope he saw nothing but brown. The bear had charged him before he could get a shot off. The bear knocked the rifle out of the hunter's hands, and threw the hunter to the ground. The bear then got on top of the hunter's chest and began pouncing on him. The hunter in desperation screamed out, "Lord, please make this bear a Christian bear". I Immediately the bear got off the hunter and kneeled by his side and started to say a prayer. "Lord bless this food I am about to receive, Amen". |
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A rancher needs a bull to
service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.". "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?". "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint." |
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A princess is walking along a
pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking
the frog up she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance: Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog! Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me. Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you. Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell. Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince? Frog: I don't know lady a spell this bad will probably take a blow job. |
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Some fun with a chicken and an
egg.......... A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular, "Hmm, well I guess we answered THAT question." |
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A blind man is walking down
the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." |
